Don’t get me wrong. While most people see me as a devout Catholic, I am not in anyway exempted from Satan’s tricks.
While nursing my broken heart and a life which seems to break apart in front of my very eyes, I ended up thinking that I can never find Jesus. I succumbed to that thought until such time that my prayers were in vain. I kept on praying but it is empty deep inside. I rationalized everything – this earthly thinking brought my demise. Nevertheless, I attended the Wednesday and Friday masses regularly as I once promised God I would do so. And because of my earthly thinking, I felt like a blind person desperately seeking for the light. I still prayed because it was the only thing I knew. I searched for God, read my Bible and did my daily devotionals religiously. Despite those efforts, I still found myself slowly sinking in the cruelty of the world.
And so I set out beyond my comfort zone because I know that this is something I can never conquer alone. I went back to the community I left and found a Christian Life Program near our residence. I wanted to bring friends along but I never found anyone. Despite my fear of an entirely new environment, of being utterly unable to connect with people, I ended up attending the sessions every saturday night. Of course, it was awkward at first. Yes, I made friends but my predicament was not resolved. I was still seeking God and I never found him yet. I am happy to be in the community but I still lack so many things in my life. I lacked my faith. I lacked God’s spirit.
Until this week happened and I wanted to spiritually prepare for the Baptism set to happen tomorrow. You see, the baptism is a pray over session intended to awaken and set fire to the Holy Spirit which dwells within us during our Baptism. It allows us to worship God to the full extent. And this is exactly what I am craving for. I want to worship God and feel Him set my heart on fire. It felt as if those previous saturday night sessions are bringing forth the fruits in my life. I had lots of reflection and I realized just how much I want God in my life.
Today, I went to confession and I told God how much I miss Him. And as expected, I felt Him in my heart again. With my soul prostrate in awe and reverence in the Blessed Sacrament, I felt His calming presence. God is within my heart. I felt His presence and I could never hold back the tears of joy. As the song I selected played softly, I realized just how much I want to give God my all. Tomorrow, it will be a date with none other than the Holy Spirit and eventually with the Triune God.
And this is exactly why I am posting this. I know that at times you may end up being suffocated by the weight of the world and you forget that in your heart lies the Infinite! I know there maybe times when praying seems the hardest thing to do, when worshiping God requires a lot more effort than you would wish to exert and when nothing makes sense anymore. Despite calling on to God, all you feel is a lingering emptiness. But, my dear, hold on at all cost! Do not let the devil lure you into thinking that God does not exist. It may be difficult to reject what you feel is rational but keep the faith because God’s wisdom is different from that of the world. The rest of the world may condemn you as a fanatic but you know that the only place to go to is home and Jesus is your home! I hope you do not forget that. Still finding it hard ? Try to think about the wonderful physical world He crafted for you to live in and reflect on the fact that He rejoices in you! As Zephaniah once wrote, “Don’t be discouraged or grow weak from fear! The Lord your God wins victory after victory and is always with you. He celebrates and sings because of you, and He will refresh your life with His love.” Imagine the God who fashioned the mountains, who holds the universe in its place giving His everything to love you! Isn’t He a wonderful God? And even beyond that, reflect on Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Even the history books attest to this truth. Jesus Christ exists and He died years ago to save us all!
My point is, have faith and pray most especially when it is hardest to pray! God loves you so much He aches when you turn away from Him! Take it from a person who read a lot about His love but still drowned in the earth and turned away from her God. But God is a God of forgiveness and love who accepted her like the loving father in the Parable of the Prodigal Son. So today, as I write this, I declare that the prodigal daughter has come back and this is her confession! May God be praised!