Of Lotteries and Goodbyes

What you’ll read will surely change whatever perception you have of me. For the first time in my life, I will not use any metaphor in my speech. I will write only about the truth.

Many people have always known me to be a very composed person. They only see me break down after a difficult exam or a nerve-wracking academic competition. They never knew me to suffer from the pains of having a broken heart. But recently, the people witnessed me as the most bitter woman on the earth who know the meaning of love to be some sort of a prelude to destruction.

But this is actually what happened.

Six years ago, I fell in love for the first time in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have tons of crushes but I never took any of them seriously. It was always a fleeting admiration. I liked to think that maybe he felt the same towards me. I cannot deny the fact that whenever I try to imagine walking down the aisle as a bride, he would be the one waiting near the altar for me. I imagined a future with him. I wanted to be a lawyer because of him. I considered him in everything about the future as young and dumb as I was. So when everything fell apart, I just found it impossible to pick myself up again. I was so lost I ignored him for a year because I cannot quite believe he would change. Like a besotted fool who wished the phone would ring and it would be him and everything was just a bad dream, I hoped like it was all I could ever do. Until I lost him, as a friend. And that was not quite the ending I hoped for.

But I never gave up.

Years passed and I still cannot look back at those eyes. I get nervous in his presence but when he I do not see him for months my heart just longs for his presence. Just a glimpse would have been fine. But you know, I tried to erase his thoughts in my mind. I lied to myself a thousand times that I moved on – that he does not matter in my life anymore. But everything was in vain. He still existed in my heart like I never even tried to get rid of him. I never see him for months and yet my heart still possesses such vivid recollection of the smallest details, the quirks and the warmth I feel deep inside when he is with me. It went on like this until I considered myself an idiot for keeping the feelings that I know will never be reciprocated, for trying so hard to live a dream a made in his honor and for lying to myself to the point of irrationality. At times I accept that he is probably embedded in my life and that I gave that privilege away without him ever giving me anything. When he finished college, I could only look up to him in pure admiration and amazement and I look at myself and wonder if I, too, could reach up to him. So I tried so hard and may be I nailed it. I could attest to the fact that you probably could be at your greatest when you do it to catch up to someone you consider your inspiration. Nevertheless, I felt like an idiot who cannot even get a good hold of her feelings after all those years. He continued to be the person I could associate every “he” in the articles I read and songs I listened to.

Until it changed last year.

I met someone who is a complete opposite of him. He made fun of everything I considered to be important. And though I tried my best to discredit him, to prove that he could not compare to the person I loved, he won me over with words as sweet as honey. He made a fool of me and unlike him, he was never passive. He always expressed his feelings for me. I was once so skeptical about him until I ended up believing that maybe what he had was real. He learned to dream because of me. He wanted to at least catch up and prove himself worthy to my parents. I saw myself in him. And I wanted to cheer him on. I believed in him. I thought that maybe it was time to move on. So I gave my a piece of my heart because just as I thought, the past still held most of me that every time he tells me he loves me, I just cannot quite answer him. I wanted to tell him how I wished he never told me he loved me because I cannot say it back but I enjoyed his presence even if it was not something I really craved for. Maybe he was a friend and I cherished him a little bit. Or may be I was forcing him into my life just so I could drive out to previous occupant of my heart.

It wreaked havoc in my heart and mind until things went bland between us and I wondered why I never got hurt. The only thing I felt was emptiness like echoes resounding in an empty corridor. Only my pride was badly hurt; my heart was barely even scarred. And so I transformed into a bitter woman who wished nothing but ill upon him who dared (yes) to make a fool out of an achiever like me. In as much as I do not wish to admit it, I became pompous. I belittled him, shunned him out of my life and cursed him to death.

I lived each day wishing it was different. It was frustrating because all the hatred I felt just proves how much I loved the person I always loved. At the end of the day, it was always him and I hated myself even more. I lost my faith in God. I was led astray. I nursed a heart which tries to move on from two men she loved so differently.

As of today, I am certain I moved on from the man I tried to love. As for the one I so deeply held in my heart, I am starting to realize that may be what I had all these years is idolization. Well, I always wanted to achieve more just to catch up. But my mind knows too well that what I had was unrequited love. I am trying to stop picturing the two of us being okay in the future. I need to stop this madness lest I end up destroying myself. So let me just say this for the last last last time:

You. If by the slightest chance you are reading this, I just hope I can forget you. I know you are living your dreams now and no matter how colossal my unrequited feelings may be, they will remain an immaterial concern of yours. I want to be free and dream for myself. I want to do things without imagining you as part of it. I never see you anyway so what is the point? I just want you to know that you have influenced my life far more than any of my friends have. I would have wanted to thank you for unconsciously striving me to do my best but on a second thought, I have to give due credit to my unrequited feelings who made just that possible. The odds of us ending up together is like that of winning in the lottery and I am done placing my bets on that. I am slowly but surely accepting the fate my feelings has brought me to and it is a life without you. As late as it may seem, I would like to believe that I can move on and wake up one day knowing how wonderful it was to have you in my life and never wish everything in the past to happen again. I want you to know that despite these thoughts I do not want to be afraid of loving again. Yes, I put up my walls but not for good. They always say that there is magic the third time around, right? Maybe I will find someone who will make me truly happy just like how I always wanted you to do so. I know God brought you into my life for a reason and I am slowly seeing His purpose now. I hope you achieve your dreams and I do mine. Thank you for everything. I sincerely hope that this will be my last goodbye. For the first and the last time, let me tell you that I love you with a love which conquered the test of time, with a love that taught me to write such beautiful words, with a love that never condemns you for not loving me back and with a love which knows when it should rest and vanish into oblivion. To the love I always held in my heart, in pace requiescat. 

korea

 

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