I am writing this to let the world know that I am fed up! So please excuse the profanity of my language and respect my own opinion as you read along. If you cannot do any of that, then click that damned close button and get the hell out of here.
As I child, I was a big fan of Disney’s fairy tales. I believed that someday I will meet a prince who will be with me forever. He will shower me with love, compliments and he would die without me. But as far as I can see it is not entirely true in my case.
My mom once emphasized that I should not ever have any romantic relationship while studying as it will be a great distraction. Well, it was an effortless feat, mind you. I admit that I am a socially awkward person with plain looks. But I was human so I fell for a boy or two.
The first boy I fell for, I actually needed seven fucking years to move on. The second one was quite remarkable as he actually showed me things which are out of the ordinary. And like a naive kid I am, I got swayed by his efforts so I fucking fell hard.
None of the aforementioned ended well because both hurt me in different ways and I really don’t beg people to stay. Actually, I pushed them away because my grief can never handle their presence in my life for the time being. And like obedient puppies, they each turned their backs. And that is fine. That should have been fine. It was a choice I made, anyway.
But what bothered me is a strong feeling deep within to prove them wrong. To make them realize that they did wrong to someone like me. The first time I felt that, I studied hard I ended up topping the graduating class. And now, I just felt like I need to do another just like that. I want them to burn with regret for doing me wrong.
Yes, looks can be deceiving but I can actually be vengeful. My revenge consists of making myself better and feel better. I want them to look up to the woman they once destroyed and wonder what drove her to soar through those heights. Bitter, eh? I admit to that as well.
Along with that burning determination, I have realized that most men are assholes. They will flatter you, pretend to be the most sincere guy in the planet and pretend that they are different from the others. But at least to me, they are all the same. There are lots of them with no loyalty whatsoever. Many of them do not even realize how much they have hurt the women in their past.
But I woke up, bitches. I am done.
I will live the halaman life like I once threatened to. I will continue to make my existence felt but never to find love because may be cupid is a biased little cherub after all. I am not putting my heart on the front lines. I will submerge it to the desire to even soar greater heights. I will marry my career because it is the only loyal thing in the world. I will live life freely without any romantic attachment because may be that is what I am destined to do. For one thing, I am a needy person and that makes me very difficult to love because I always need the other person more than they will ever need me. Bottom line is: I am unlovable. And now that I wrote that, it actually makes me feel better rather than denying that awful truth. I am accustomed only to myself, my family and closest friends, no more no less. But at least I managed not to become heartless. (I’m getting there, just as I am probably destined to be.)
If you ever think that this conclusion is far too hasty to make then step into my damn shoes and fucking think that for a person who never does anything stupid twice, falling in love would mean suicide. I do not need another decade to get over another person, damn it! So I am numbing this rather idiotic heart and keeping my walls up; better safe than sorry, folks!
I would like to tell you, though, that it would take a lot just to disprove my convictions today. You have to convince me well for me to tear my walls down again; and you have to be fucking good at that. But since no one even cares about my damned walls, then so be it. Hello, eternal single blessedness and the material possessions it entails!
PS. I once wanted to get married because I was afraid of growing old alone. But hey, I can always find a way for a home for the aged to take care of me. Nothing money cannot solve. It is not like I am new to loneliness anyway. It has been my only companion throughout the years. So, no cupid; not now, not ever – if you’re going to turn me into a heap of emotional mess like this. No thanks!