If there is an appropriate personification of the woman described by Warsan Shire in her prose, “For Women who are Difficult to Love,” that would be me. On point.
I have always set high standards for the person with whom I would wish to spend the rest of my life with. Now, along with my realizations, I have come to the conclusion that perhaps those innumerable list could be discarded in lieu of my aspiration that should I spend the rest of my life with someone, he must be able to accept me for who I am. I could eventually care less about the way he may be skilled enough in cooking, or playing the piano or conversing in English. If I were to commit myself to somebody, I might as well be comfortable.
But the thing is: I am seldom comfortable around people. In this regard, I wish to put forth these points to ponder upon:
- I am both capricious and punctilious thereby making my mood a lot more difficult to understand. Well, I am a woman; I always had the right to change my mind and I wish to put such right into use even if it meant, regularly. This, coupled with my indecisiveness, makes my whole being a lot more like an odd mixture of psychedelic incoherent play of colors not everyone could easily appreciate.
- At times, I find myself afire beyond control only to find out that in mere seconds later, I am as cold as the tundra in the north. Also, many people see me as a leader – someone who is very much skilled in delegating tasks and seeing the overall progress. However, I am a bit precluded to believe such claim because at times I fear being more of a boss than the aforementioned.
- I am impatient and I abhor repeating myself over and over again. Also, I detest being treated as a buffoon and idiot. Yes, I may not know lots of things but one must never rub that straight to my face.
- I never express my truest emotions on a regular basis. If I do, well, I do not.*smirks*
- I have a penchant for people with decent taste in music. By decent, I mean those songs which are not too loud. I often find myself quoting a few lines from songs which catch my attention and by this, it is perhaps safe to conclude that I do not only listen to music, I wish to understand it, as well.
- At times, I think that I am born in the wrong era. The current world does not define certain matters as I do. Love, for example, has been dragged onto social media sites like some invaluable jewel. Seriously, some classical literary pieces might help them change certain perspectives. (I strongly recommend Victor Hugo’s works.)
- As to food, well, I have no problems as I am unusually appreciative in that aspect.
- I can cook but not as well as the others can. It has been my frustration throughout the years.
- Perfectionist. Yes, I am that type of annoying person people would hate because I usually complain about getting an annoying ninety-nine percent mark. Trust me, that hurts a lot more than a ninety-eight.
- I am not intelligent – a misconception so commonplace I always get laughed at for claiming. I believe that the reasons behind my graduating Magna Cum Laude and Class Valedictorian are as follows: God, perfect alignment with my course and hard work.
- I believe that I have an obsessive-compulsive disorder. I cannot function in a messy and noisy environment. At times when I feel stressed or distraught, I could go on as far as arranging my clothes from bright to dark colors.
- I hold on to memories too long. They are like fragments I wish to keep upon myself and they stay frozen, unaltered.
- I am far too scarred. I even lick some of my wounds green.
- I am very much loyal. That is one of the qualities I take both pride of and shame for. It is very difficult to earn my trust, as skeptical as I am. However, once I trust a person there is an implied pledge of loyalty on my part. The only thing I have been doing wrong throughout the years is that, I expect the other party to do the same and I almost always end up being betrayed. But I trust others anyway. The one thing I could not promise to myself though, is that, I cannot always tell an “I am okay” lie to myself when I need to.
- Relative thereto, it can be inferred that I fall hard. Sure, I get easily infatuated but I almost never fall. If I do and I end up broken, I could spend three or more years to mend my broken pieces. I become too fragmented I spend most of my time writing to help me recover. I just hope people could think twice before they shut me away though. Funny how they usually never do so.
- I am easy to please.
All of these quirks may be adorable, annoying, desirable or hateful but I consider all these gems on my crown. My essential form could be materially altered if one or two of these gems are stripped off. The more one tries to morph me into someone less tempestuous, the harder it is to tame me. I am like a lioness carrying herself with pride; I can perhaps understand two things in their purest form: honesty and forbearance.